trendymatt's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not quite Dashboard Confessional, but definitely emo. It amazes me that I walk around fully believing that I push people away from me in an effort to protect myself. Doesn't that just reek of self-important bullshit? Somehow, I've gone from a fairly popular guy with many genuine friends to living with the only person I haven't managed to alienate in some way in the last year. What the hell am I doing here? I came to the blinding realization sometime last week that I ended a relationship a few months ago in an incredibly asshole-ish manner. I burned bridges that I honestly believe can never be rebuilt, and why? Fuck, I finally started having feelings for a guy and I ended it all because of a bad week - over the phone, nonetheless. And all under the guise that he was the emotionally unavailable asshole. Man, I really need to invest in a mirror, don't I? And less than a week after the fact I started dating a guy mainly because he was paying attention to me. Kids, that is NOT a reason to start a relationship... a functional one, at least. I ended that one, too, and I stil believe rightfully so. But by entering in that relationship, I doomed what I saw as the beginning of a pretty decent friendship. So, here I am on a Friday night roughly a month before my twenty-fifth birthday and I am utterly alone, both in the literal and figurative sense. I have no idea what to do about my situation, but I have come to the undeniable conclusion that I'm not happy in it. That's something I've focused on a lot in the last year: what makes me happy. I honestly thought I was getting there for a while because I had an active social life, was finally dating on a regular basis, and everything seemed to be almost perfect. But even in the midst of the best times with great people, I would often find myself looking for reasons to get out of those situations. It's like my brain is permanently wired to keep me isolated from anyone else. And of course, the one person I have managed to truly care about and give myself completely to happens to be of the gender my brain won't let me be attracted to in a romantic way. Seriously, if and when I ever get to meet God, I'm gonna rant at her like I never have before. This shit just ain't fair. I demand a do-over for the past year. Maybe I wouldn't fuck things up so royally the second time around. 12:17 am - 09.18.04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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