trendymatt's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An ambitious weekend. Forty eight hours from now, I will be sitting fifth row, center at the Cho concert. Can you tell I'm counting down? The coming weekend holds the promise of being very entertaining and interesting on various fronts. I was asked to come home on Saturday because Mom will be in a parade on a float for the school she works for dressed as Betsy Ross. That is worth the drive home right there. Well, that and funnel cakes. This year's county parade brings to light the first of what I'm sure will be many odd situations as a result of my parents' divorce. In years past, Mom and Dad always marched in the parade together as part of their Revolutionary War re-enactment group. They'd get all dressed up and party like it was the 1770's, much to the delight of the crowd. Mom would toss candy out to little children from her basket and Dad would shoot blanks from his massive muzzleloading rifle. In the years before high school graduation, it seemed their group always marched just ahead of my school's marching band and Dad would proudly proclaim to everyone he knew in the crowd that his son was the second tuba from the right. In later years, I would stand curbside on the parade route pretending to be mortified at their astounding dorkiness, when in reality it was nice to see both of them having a genuinely good time. This year, if I see Dad at all, he will be marching separately, still with his re-enacting buddies but without Mom at his side. I'm not entirely sure how I will be able to handle that. But I also have my own agenda for the weekend. One of my major goals I have set for myself through my counseling sessions is to finally let my parents know who I am. Almost every detail of my life - in terms of not only my sexuality but also my personal goals, ambitions, and beliefs - has remained hidden from them for the last three years or so, thus when I visit home they don't see the real me... they see the person I was at twenty. Almost every aspect of my life has changed for the better since then and, for whatever reason, I have hesitated to let them in on that. Of course, since Dad still seems to have no interest in communicating with me, I'll have to start this task by having a long talk with my mom. Random tangent: Can anyone out there imagine how strange it is not knowing where your own father, who was living at home mere weeks ago, is living now? I've been putting off the "Mom, I'm gay" conversation for way too long. And I have given a plethora of rather convincing excuses as to why I shouldn't have at any particular time. One weekend, Mom was too busy tending the garden. On another, Dad wanted to show me his new truck. Or maybe I was concerned about Mom's health... because she's just one more breakdown from having yet another stroke, you know. But I'm through with that. Mom's not going to disown me over being gay. And whenever Dad gets the balls to talk to me, he'll likely be so wrapped up in his act of being the eternal victim that it won't even register on his radar. And Mom's not going to keel over and die on the spot. And she won't start throwing cookware at me (though just to be safe, I'll make sure our conversation happens on the opposite side of the house from the kitchen). More importantly, I don't see being gay as a liability anymore. I think it took me finally embracing who I am wholeheartedly to get to this point. I know it sounds tragically cliche, but you can't expect others to accept you if you can't accept yourself, right? Will it be uncomfortable? Most definitely. Unpleasant? Likely. But it will be a small price to pay for my sanity. It's high time I did this one thing that I know will finally set my mind at ease and let me have a decent night of sleep. The funny thing is, I'm not scared of doing this at all anymore. If anything, I'm excited. I'm excited that for once in my life I am taking action rather than waiting for things to fall into place. As Martha would say, "it's a good thing." 11:21 pm - 09.09.03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||