trendymatt's Diaryland Diary

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I get by with a little help from my friends.

Lextran's latest advertising campaign seems a little misleading, if you ask me. Their recent round of commercials make it a point to say (insert random number here) healthcare workers/restaurant employees/brain surgeons/nuns/etc. ride Lextran every day. While this is supposed to make the world's shadiest form of mass transit seem a little friendlier, I think the advertising should be just a little more honest and divulge just how many crack addicts ride the same buses. What would be even more interesting would be if they could tell us how many of the healthcare workers also happen to be crack heads. I think that's the real story of Lexington's mass transit system.

Thankfully, my weekend was largely crack addict-free. It was not, however, free from getting stuck on rooftops. Yeah, there's a great story to tell here...

So, in my bid to be the best fag a hag could ever want, I, along with her ever-present Fuck Buddy, moved the girl into her new digs. In a stunning display of something, she managed to lock both her apartment key and the key to her building in her apartment. This led to a great deal of time spent calling her new landlord on all three of our cell phones, each time to be greeted by the busy signal. It was then that I had a plan.

Attached to the back of the building were a series of dubious looking ladders that formed a makeshift fire escape (Umm, building code? We don't need no steenking building code). In my brilliant mind, I would climb to the roof and simply stroll into The Hag's bathroom window so that I may go downstairs and open the front door myself. The only problem was that the lowest ladder was roughly eight feet off the ground. Rest assured that each time I tell this story from here on out, that distance will grow by a half a foot.

So, since the bottom rung of this ladder was eight and a half feet (see?) off the ground, a folding ladder propped up against the building allowed me to climb up five feet, grab the ladder attached to the wall, and scramble up. Did I ever mention that I was that kid in gym class who could never do the chin-ups? The Hag and Fuck Buddy saw evidence of this first-hand.

In a display of something vaguely masquerading as athletic prowess, I got to the roof only to find that the window was locked. Now, in the whole production of getting to the roof, none of us exactly figured how I would get back down to the ground. The distance from the wall ladder to the folding ladder was enough so that it would require me to dangle from the wall ladder a pretty good distance to get a foothold on the folding ladder, which was situated on a gravel and grass surface that was not exactly steady. Combine that with my complete lack of upper body strength, and you get a very nervous homo on a roof with a scuffed up leg (an injury from the ascent up the roof).

Roughly five minutes were spent with me sitting on the roof trying not to pass out from the sight of blood (truly the only reason I didn't choose a career in the medical field), Fuck Buddy jonesing for another cigarette, and The Hag fretting anxiously over me. It was then that I surprised even myself with a brilliant plan.

I tossed the keys to the rental van to Fuck Buddy and instructed him to pull it around back, back it up next to the building so that it was under me, and then I would jump onto the roof and then to the safety of the ground. With much fuss about proper placement of the van, tragedy was averted and I was once again on terra firma.

If I had somehow accomplished this using a stick of chewing gum and a paperclip, you could have called me Macguyver.

P.S., long story short (fat chance of that happening in this entry), we eventually were able to enter the building thanks to a kind neighbor who let us in and the moving festivities commenced. In other news, I am not planning on moving for another ten years.

And to anyone else who would like my assistance to move anytime in the near future, I quote early 1990's child rappers Kris Kross - "you can get the finger... the middle."

9:30 am - 07.28.03

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