trendymatt's Diaryland Diary

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West Virginia, mountain mama, gigantic hair.

The weekend in Wild, Wonderful, Sometimes Smelly West Virginia can be summed up in one sentence: My grandmother has entirely too much crap!

The task for the weekend was for the Maternal Unit and I to assist Mamaw (yes, I'm from the part of the country that refers to grandparents as 'Mamaw' and 'Papaw') in paring down her extensive collection of kitchen gadgetry that she hasn't used in twenty years to a more manageable collection of kitchen gadgetry that she hasn't used in twenty years. This would have been great except for two things: a) Mamaw has the worlds largest supply of empty Cool-Whip tubs, which she uses as a substitute for Tupperware (I know there's a Jeff Foxworthy reference about that); b) each query asking her whether something was to be kept or thrown away was replied with not a 'yes' or 'no,' but a rather rambling anecdote that started out with "well, I got that in nineteen and sixty-three when Madge and I went to the Woolworth's..."

I swear, my grandmother is an odd combination of Sophia Petrillo and Rose Nylund. Oh, and a bit of Blanche Devereaux thrown in, seeing as that she tends to keep boyfriends in two different time zones these days. Not bad for someone pushing eighty.

Anyway.

The bulk of yesterday was spent in the kitchen trying to throw away rusted pots and pans while trying to avoid long, drawn-out reminiscing monologues. A good time was had by all.

The one highlight of the trip was when I got to drive out to Wal-Mart to pick up some various kitchen cleaning accoutrements. People, if you ever find yourself in central West Virginia, take a little drive down Route 19 and stop by the Summersville Wal-Mart. I don't care how homely you think you may be, you will be the most well-dressed, sophisticated person in that store. In fifteen minutes of dashing through the aisles looking for Pine Sol and trash bags, I saw the following:

• A "Bo Knows" Nike tank top, purple in color, possibly size medium, stretched onto the hairiest man I have ever seen who should probably wear a size 2X.
  
• Various large hair of all styles and colors. Most notable was a woman in her early sixties with a bright yellow bouffant that most likely is visible from USGS aerial imagery.
  
• A stock worker who actually had the name Cletus on his name tag. Every part of me wishes this is just his witty sense of humor, but deep inside I just know it's his god-given name.
  
• A teenage boy wearing a t-shirt that combined not only a Dale Earnhardt tribute, but the Confederate flag as well. All printed on a black t-shirt with a lightning bolt background. I felt my I.Q. drop about thirty points just witnessing it.
  
• A pimped-out Dodge Neon in the parking lot with lowered suspension, gold wire wheels sticking out about a foot from the wheel wells, a Confederate flag applique on the back window, and 50 Cent blasting out of the horrendously overloaded speakers. Identity crisis, maybe?

I'm sure I'm missing some of the finer points, but I think you get the message. I was never happier to come home to my shitty, yet urban neighborhood than I was this afternoon. The pre-op transsexual walking his/her dog down the street brought an honest tear to my eye. I was home.

Oh, and My Girl's cat shit diarrhea all over her apartment, most notably onto a booklet that I picked up, thus flinging liquid poo all over my shorts and hands. Some call it a veterinary problem, I call it a thinly veiled attempt for the girl to finally get me naked in her apartment.

Straight people are so weird. I must go wash my hands for the eighth time tonight now.

ADDENDUM
While driving into town on Friday night/Saturday morning, the Maternal and I were listening to Summersville's hit radio station and were treated to a public service message telling people that they need to spread the gospel by taking copies of the bible to sporting events, shopping, etc. An actual quote, spoken by an overly enthusiastic woman with a definite W.V. drawl: "I spread the gospel to eight people at the baseball game last weekend! I'm so happy I was able to share the lord's love while I enjoyed the game." The Maternal Unit and I were laughing so hard at that, that I was forced to pull over the van for a minute and compose myself. You just can't make that shit up.

12:54 am - 08.04.03

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